America’s DC Universe of Villains
In my (nerdy) mind the Internet Age has assembled a team of super villains and there isn’t a Super Friend in sight to battle them. My research of their villainy has resulted in a theory of their alter egos that should be revealed. I’m sticking to DC Comics villains because DC’s villains are as dark as America’s future if we continue to let these Jokers loose on the nation.
The most super villain of all has to be Jeff Bezos. The super selfish, super intelligent, cue-ball-headed billionaire must be the Lex Luthor of the Internet Age. He drones curved-dick logoed “smile” packages onto your front porch and launches into outer space in a giant penis. Fallacy is not his trademark, but “phallusy” seems to be his obsession.
There’s a problem gifting Bezos with the prestige of a DC Comics villain like Lex Luthor: Mark Zuckerberg.
Zuckerberg’s super-villainous algorithms are tearing the fabric of time. America is now on a trajectory into the past. Women are chattel, books are being burned, and I feel sorry for any minority brave enough to stand for its rights. Zuckerberg’s creation is outrunning him. Dr. Frankenstein isn’t part of the DC Universe, but his legacy of creation without regard for consequences might be the central theme of America in the Internet Age.
Then there’s that little sticky thing with Hollywood and Lex Luthor. Jeff Bezos may be the spitting image of Luthor, but Jesse Eisenberg has already portrayed Luthor in the Superman films. Eisenberg has also played Mark Zuckerberg. I don’t think we can crown Bezos with the title of Lex Luthor when it’s obvious that Zuckerberg has to win for Jesse’s sake. Hollywood should stay out of politics.
If Zuckerberg is Luthor, Bezos still needs an alter-ego. There are several that fit him, but the only one truly meant for him is Brainiac. I was going to reserve this one for Trump because of his very “big brain.” However, DC states in its bio that Brainiac is smart. Bezos is Brainiac. And you have to hand it to him, he’s beaten everyone in the universe due to a lack of a Superman to oppose him.
Bill Gates is hated because he’s, I don’t know, a super nerd. What super villain could he be? There are so many conspiracy theories about Gates that fear of him and his crazy ideas of vaccinating the world have landed him in the paranoid corners of the Internet Age. Bill Gates is buying all the farmland and planting nothing in his bid to depopulate the world. Bill Gates is implanting tracking chips in you with his vaccines. He’s making the MAGA-verse crazy. Uh, crazier. Definitely the Scarecrow.
Elon Musk is no Bill Gates. The wing nut, stoner, joker should be the Joker. He just isn’t evil enough for that honor. He’s more the Riddler. His business plans make me say, “Huh?’ He has more money than God, but the shit he comes up with is a question mark. Taking a company that explores outer space and risking it on a whimsical digital space seems like a twit move. I’d love to spend more words explaining Musk, but he’d love it if I did. Devoting more than a paragraph on this puissant is a waste of curiosity. Riddler it is.
There are many minions that make up the rest of the DC Comics universe. Marjorie Taylor Green leads the Suicide Squad as Harley Quinn. Trump is her “Puddin.” (Puked a little in my mouth on that one.) Lauren Boebert is that shark thing following Harley around. Matt Gaetz is Matt Gaetz because he can’t have a worse image. The list goes on because DC picked the worst traits in Mankind to portray its villains and the Republican Party has chosen the same traits to represent it.
Finally, my choice for Trump. He’s a tough one because his ideology is all about him. There are no super villains taking three hours to coif and spray their hair. The Joker does have green hair and Trump is mostly orange, so there are similarities. However, I’m not giving Trump, or anyone else, the title of Joker. The Clown Prince of Crime has no peers, yet. DeSantis has something to aspire toward.
The best DC alter ego for Trump is Solomon Grundy. DC Comics bio on Grundy says that “When Grundy dies, he eventually rises again, emerging from the depths of his original resting place in the swamp to wreak havoc on the living.” Sounds like the man that lost the House, the Senate, and the presidency and still has minions traveling to the swamps of Florida to bend the knee to his greatness.
Batman doesn’t exist, but the Jokers of the world do.
With a super-villain list like this, we’re in deep shit.
Stomp your feet, clap like hell, follow, and share as if you have too much ice cream.
